Cross My Heart And Kiss My Elbow

Red Red Red

2006-02-03T23:36:00.000-08:00

FIONA APPLE LYRICS

"Red Red Red"

I don't understand about complementary colors
And what they say
Side by side they both get bright
Together they both get gray

But he's been pretty much yellow
And I've been kinda blue
But all I can see is
Red, red, red, red, red now
What am I gonna do

I don't understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What's so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining

And it's dangerous work
Trying to get to you too
And I think if I didn't have to
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill myself doing it
Maybe I wouldn't think so much of you

I've been watching all the time
And I still can't find the tack
And I wanna know is it okay
Is it just fine
Or is it my fault
Is it my lack

I don't understand about
The weather outside
Or the harmony in a tune
Or why somebody lied

There's solace a bit for submitting
To the fitfully cryptically true
What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play

I don't understand
I'll never understand
But I'll try to understand
There's nothing else I can do

Are you Awake?

2006-01-29T23:58:00.000-08:00

There are so many realities, each of our own, which is alot and ?the one universial reality that is outside of ourselves? Im not really sure if im awake, or always sleeping, in a dream, in my head. But all that I do know is that my world sure feels dead, draining.
I hope to feel something new, feel something real, feel happiness again.
" We get little amounts of joy here and there to remind us what happiness is, after all those times of pain and doubt so that we will remember what we are reaching for" the words of a reggae hippie druggie old black man I spoke to weeks ago at the coffee shop downtown as he said he noticed my eyes were foggy ( not in the present and focusing on whats inthe back of my mind) as he first came over to me to say hello.
So are we only allowed to experience a few moments of joy here and there or is that just a reality?
I dont know if I am strong enough to make my own and keep it alive.

2006-01-22T17:16:00.000-08:00

Well theres me there to the left with the dark hair, i dont have a digital camera so I just have to use the one I get.
Id have to say that i have been and still am like that girls character in that movie lost in translation. World weary.
" your world is your mind" Was how the Taro cards described this time of my life. A man knealing on the ground holding his head, with rays of bright streaming light came out of his ears eyes and screaming mouth. Yea. It kinda feels like that. I have been to one of the shrinks or therapists, but there two businessy for me and keep sponsering those cocaine pills- or sorry i mean depressants.
Talking with the therapst that i could not connect with about the thoughts of my mind made my mind turn into a painful storm even more afterword. I cancelled that, and I have been cancelling trust or reliance on freindships as well. If feels better(?) alone, well it feels less insane, i less realise how much I am falling apart. Like the movie I have or had a very close relationship with a man twice my age, many people thought he was my father. The connection was so real and life changing that I finally have tasted something new and real of life for only a half of a year, but the experience made me compare and contrast, realize, who I have been and who I am now, and more understanding of what I am going through and why I have felt I was so different from everyone else for so long, but have found I am not at all. I have met and seen so many people who seem to be or have been going through or feeling the same. I have always wondered why I felt I could never see myself with anyone or feel attracted with anyone my own age, but of course I realized all of these things as the connection that changed my life was tearing away through me until it disappeared, through miss communication. Yes I am young, but it is tearifying, it was mind shattering, physically, spiritally, mentally, shattering. I am remembering the feelings, of the so many years I have had before. I am remembering the me I have always known. And I am understanding more. I dont want to only feel free and happy just by relying on a connection with someone. The connection took away the lost in translation feelings and brought a world that all life should only be. I want to have that world on my own, it has been 5 months that has past but feels as a lifetime, I dont know how long I can wait. I am afraid.
17 units, volunteer work, college applications, job searching, have all that has came into 5 months.
My yoga teacher said to the class : breath out the negative and let in the positive, it is your choice and there is no one that can do it for you.
I dont know how long I can wait.
My yoga teacher said to the class: You can change your perspective, and look at life in a new way to open up and see all the possibilites that where there hiding for you.
I dont know how to.
I dont know how long I can wait
I am afraid.

Long Day

2006-01-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

Sigghhh so strange so crazy- it seems like everyone is stuck- is hanging on a thread for something to make life more- that more people need more real connections- that people are clossing in and loosing contact with others- intoversion is everywhere! Peoples spirits cant make it alone out there! not even those people in wooden lodged houses in the middle of nowwhere isolated by everyone and everything are sane.